Embracing Aloneness
There is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact, it is prudent to say that we are always alone, even in the company of others, because we are experiencing our lives through our exclusive ‘view of the world’. Aloneness is a natural state of people, but it seems that modern society pushes for constant interconnection, constant social bond-making, and constant extroversion. I will try to explain why I think this is a serious philosophical problem, and why I would argue that aloneness is the key to our freedom.
People seem to invest their entire being into social lives. We get into committed relationships and marriages, maintain many friendships, meet other people through studies and work, and thereby we perpetually hover between ourselves and others. This in itself is not that bad, but the problem emerges when we feel the need to sacrifice parts of ourselves for those bonds. Instead of having to adapt ourselves to fit the needs of others, we must be so comfortable with ourselves that anything we do is out of our own free will. That comes from being comfortable with one’s own company.
There is a particular sense of alienation from oneself that occurs when foreign words and emotions become our own. The purpose of embracing aloneness, then, is to not fall into the loneliness trap of “I can’t handle being alone, I need others to comfort me”. Surely, there are people in our lives who will listen and care for us. I am not denying that. What I want to emphasize is the wonderment of being comfortable a priori, with no fear at all. Independent of all possible validation, we must already be able to feel self-validated.
This is also why, when listening to the advice others give, we must be mindful of whether we’re passive interpreters or active reflectors.
You develop your own voice when you learn to have healthier conversations with yourself, when you listen to your feelings, when you care for yourself. The time we spend meditating on the feeling of being ‘us’ is always productive and formative. Spending time with friends can also be worthwhile, since they will show you aspects of yourself that you may not see. However, friends cannot live your life for you, so they are merely part of your experience, not the experience itself. You are the one who has to create your life.
Feeling comfortable with one’s aloneness is also important because it helps restructure our sense of spiritual belonging. Rather than focus on societal validation or any external feelings, we may instead sit down and read a book, write something from the heart, listen to music, do some physical activity, make ourselves food, and so on. All of these activities are self-involved, and they are likely to bring us closer to ourselves. It should be noted that embracing aloneness is not a selfish idea, but rather a totally unselfish one. We are hurting no one, yet we are helping ourselves greatly, and once we are more comfortable with ourselves, we can be more comfortable with others.
It is about the order in which we pursue meaning: rather than fill our void with the company of others, we fill it with our own, and then we begin to cultivate such love for ourselves that we are totally comfortable being around others.
I would say that it takes a lot of wisdom and skill to enjoy one’s company. It is not something completely trivial. However, once we do, we can enjoy anything. That is because we are ALWAYS spending time amongst ourselves, and sometimes it can get very tiring. Life is most enjoyable when we are enjoying it, and how can one enjoy it if they don’t appreciate their own company? This is why the argument for self-love has to start from the approach we have to ourselves, including the thoughts we choose to accept, the emotions we let ourselves feel, the decisions we end up making.
May you one day find that being alone is good enough to be happy.
Thank you.
