What Makes Life Feel Like Suffering?
Perhaps I can say nothing for others, who suffer through other lives.
I can, however, posit something about the unique subjective experience, the qualia of personal misery. I would like to emphasize this somewhat, since it is quite important to define the underlying root of suffering, and perhaps even understand what we can do to combat it. Though I know I cannot speak for anyone else, I also think we have something in common.
There is a sort of back and forth to the suffering. For some, there is an unending feeling of it, whether from bullying, discrimination, or abuse. Some have severe medical issues, traumatic circumstances, terrible luck. Most of us roam through life with constancy, wherein things seem to make sense — but then there are also those halts, those inevitable periods of nonbeing where we just wish it would end. Even seeing the multitude of tragedies in the world, the many meaningless pains, can push one to doubt better things. The joy comes from knowing others suffer like we do.
It is important to note that qualia literally refers to subjective experience, and thus there is no clearly defined ‘universal qualia’. What I mean, though, is that some experiences have a universal character to them, even if they have different ways of being felt. When you are hungry, when you have a toothache, when you have failed a test — these are universals, yet the feeling of “what it is like” to suffer those feelings does of course depend on the individual. However, I believe that all forms of suffering have objective validity to them, even those that are seen as trivial or easy, and we must be considerate of what that person feels like when they undergo that suffering. If I am in love, and another person is in love, it helps me to discuss with them what it is like to love and be loved. That bridges a serious gap, especially since love hurts so many unfortunate souls. You tell me why we can spend so long feeling something for a person, only to be left suffering.
There is a unique qualia to many feelings. The feeling of being emotionally abused, for example, can be overt or subtle, but ultimately leaves you empty and indignant. The feeling of being used is similar, and both can involve a sort of ‘feeling stupid’, where it’s clear we’re being played. Even virtuous people, those with an overall decent heart, can become malicious simply because they’ve been pushed enough, mocked beyond repair, and treated with less dignity than they surely deserve. Coupled with our own distrust of a situation or person, some suffering may be even heavier than it ought to be, and there is no good way to measure this. But we must measure it, since we share this mess inter-subjectively and don’t simply suffer in a vacuum.
A lot of it stems from “seeing the other side as our own”, for if we overemphasize our personal story, we might find it difficult to coexist with the world. The qualia of forgiveness, for example, cannot be properly expressed in a mode of anger towards the world. Quite many moralists have a bad habit of imposing their anger onto complete strangers, when the fault is not with them — it is a collective problem. To put it in a simpler way: who do we benefit by shaming, judging, and canceling others? I believe we benefit ourselves, our ego, and those who seem to appreciate our vitriol. But do we help clarify the suffering-space we reside in by fighting, like intellectual cavemen, until both sides are tired and have learned little to nothing? Do we heal anything by destroying it? Rather than have honest discussions, many people insist on comparing sufferings and making a hierarchy. I believe all suffering to be suffering, so let us be open about it.
None of the suffering people experience should be disregarded. It seems that the whole issue of suffering is such that we downplay people’s feelings, which gives them no escape. The qualia of “what it is like to hurt someone” can be as simple as misunderstanding them, or even worse, discarding their reality entirely. Unless a person is simply evil, it’s very rare that they’ll willfully not care how another feels. There is certainly a phenomenon of “losing oneself”, where our frustration begins to make us feel evil even when we’re not, and that qualia has to be properly understood. By feeling their pain and taking it seriously, I can enable a person to be comfortable with their suffering. All we can do is bring out the best in people.
I have tried here to explain the uniqueness and universality of suffering alike. It is my understanding that we don’t all suffer in the same way, nor do we react to our life with the same effectiveness, but the fundamental point lies in how we interpret each other’s suffering, and how we choose to affirm suffering in the first place. Buddha’s first noble truth is that all of life has suffering. I can be sure that “what it is like to suffer” may logically lead us to “what it is like to stop suffering”, and that is something every person eventually deserves. Let us never become what we hate, for it is hard enough when we suffer. Let us be more aware of human suffering.
